His house was nice but messy. Markings of a single guy with too much stuff. He seemed nervous—I don’t think he’d ever had an escort come to his home before, but he welcomed me in warmly. He told me his favorite Taylor Swift album was Reputation. I said, “Red flag.” I told him mine was Folklore, and he said, “Red flag.” I should have known then this wouldn’t end well.
The date went fine, though I couldn’t see myself meeting with him again. But he kept texting after I left, asking to see me again, and I went over each time. Jude (not his real name) was an easy client, and eventually I found his company comforting. We started texting a lot more, both of us opening up emotionally. Without even realizing it, we became official and fell in love.
He didn’t look like anyone I had ever dated before. All my exes were over six feet tall, finance bros, and in great shape. Jude was pretty much the opposite, but I couldn’t have cared less. I loved him exactly as he was.
He was twenty years older than me, but it never felt like it. He knew more about pop culture than I did and was always in a cheerful mood. I don’t think I’d ever dated anyone cheerful before. It was different, but I liked it.
People often mistook Jude for my dad when we were out in public. I didn’t mind it—actually, I think I kind of liked it. Maybe a topic for my therapist, lol. Jude and I were an enigma to the public and my friends—but I was in love and didn’t care what anyone thought.
We didn’t have a perfect relationship. We were on and off more times than I could count. He struggled with my job (understandably), and I struggled with him not paying me anymore (understandably). But for the first time in my life, I wanted to try for an honest romantic relationship, so I did. I always told him the truth about my day, my feelings, my job—while, of course, keeping client information private. It was a level of vulnerability I’d never experienced before.
Even though I was always honest, it turns out he wasn’t. I made it very clear from the beginning that I wasn’t okay with him seeing other escorts, and he seemed to accept that condition. Although I sleep with men for my job, for me, that’s exactly what it is—a job. I have some of the most amazing clients. I value their opinions, enjoy their stories, and truly appreciate their presence in my life. Yet, no matter how fulfilling the day had been, hearing Jude’s voice on the phone each night was always the highlight.
I found out Jude had been sleeping with other escorts throughout our entire relationship. Spending thousands of dollars and texting them late at night to meet up. When I heard the news, it felt like I got sucker-punched. I confronted him about it (in a very “Anna” fashion, which is a story for another time because it was pretty iconic), and he admitted to it. He called and texted me nonstop for an hour, begging me to talk to him, but there was nothing to talk about. He betrayed me, so we were done. I went home and blocked him on everything.
For days, I cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried on my walks. I’d wake up in the morning with my eyes so puffy from crying, they were practically swollen shut. It was a physical and mental pain I’d never experienced before. It wasn’t just the agony of a breakup, but the hurt of betrayal.
Sometimes, I wish I could be the kind of person who builds up walls and keeps everyone out, but that’s never been me. I don’t think it ever will be. Sure, I’d feel less pain, but I’d also miss out on true joy. And I want my life to be filled with real, erupting joy. “If you don’t risk the bad meal, you’ll never get the magical one.” — Anthony Bourdain.
I can’t promise myself I’ll never fall in love with a client again—I’m a lover at my core. I still believe in happily ever afters and in a love that feels like coming home. Though that’s not how my relationship with Jude ended, I don’t regret a single moment of it. As painful as the ending was, it reinforced a sense of confidence in myself I never knew I had. One, that I have the ability to be honest in a relationship, and two, I now know for sure that I’ll confront and detach from anyone who disrespects me or crosses my boundaries—something I’m not sure I could have confidently claimed a couple of years ago.
After everything, what got me through those dark days was my amazing group of friends, an incredible therapist, and of course, lots of Taylor Swift.
P.S. My favorite Taylor Swift album is now TTPD.
P.P.S. Jude, if you’re reading this, I hope your ozempic is always on back order <3
Thanks for reading!
Anna:)